Monologue
by Maiden Bacchante
Summary: Renji is a man at the end of his patience. Oneshot.


Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

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**Monologue**

It wasn't easy to get here, that much I can tell ya, it wasn't easy to figure it out just _how much_ I wanted to be better than you. But then again, I was never one to think things through, I am a lowly street dog with base needs and desires, that's what you always thought of me, didn't ya, taichou? Would you now call base my desire to surpass you? Wouldn't that be thinking lowly of your precious person? And you think too much anyway, taichou, you ponder things and wonder until they no longer have meaning, and everything must be according to those rules you hold so sacred. I don't fall into any of those neatly lain out categories, I'm not worthy of your attention. Too bad, taichou, too bad, cause, you see, I want to be acknowledged, I'll stand here in your fucking face and scream all the truths you pretend to be deaf to. Some of them, hn, I never knew them myself till recently, but, unlike you, I don't stop to ask why, I just _do_. I'm a man who _does_, you're a man who _thinks_ how it should be done.

I didn't know I wanted you _that way_, really had no clue. Although it kinda makes sense now, dunnit? I was going down that road with my eyes closed. It's all because I don't do this thinking business that truth can come off shocking. I guess… 'Twas lust, pure, brain-melting lust I felt that day, when you were coming out of the onsen, your chest bared, your skin flushed, water dripping off of your long hair. You look different without your hair dressed, taichou, more human, more attainable. I suppose that's why I hadn't seen it before. You were walking slowly, pulling the towel around your slim hips, steam coming off those long legs… I have never felt anything like this, taichou, ever – the desire to both prostrate at your feet and have my no doubt disgusting way with such a beautiful body at the same time. Because that's what you were: beautiful. Enticingly beautiful. And pure. Not like any of the women I've lain with, but different, out of this world. I don't understand how you can still look dignified even when your ass is barely covered.

It looks like I can give it quite a surprising amount of thought, innit? Even for my uncouth, uncivilized way, I _can_ put a lot of thought even if it's into something you most likely find shameful and undignified. Back then I could only hear your bare feet falling on the floor… and then I couldn't hear anything at all anymore. Just the deafening rush of blood through my own body, thick, hot liquid pumped rapidly at the sight of you, taichou, almost naked and completely unaware. You just slightly frowned at the sight of me though, and asked me in that dry, monotone voice to state my business. You didn't even flinch or made a move to cover yourself more. Why would you? I guess you knew as well you had nothing to be ashamed of. I wonder if you've seen it then, that lustful glint in my eyes, it must have been obvious, but then again, I'm pretty sure you looked at me without really realizing I stood there.

But I'm a dirty street dog, Kuchiki-taichou, I only know of base desires and my most ardent pursuit is to fulfill them. So I decided to pursue you. But how to get to someone who thinks you are dirt sullying their feet? There is no easy way around this, there is no delicate manner to handle things. And I wanted to take you, if I couldn't be held by you, the least I could do was quench my thirst with your body. Have my way with that perfect body of yours, out of reach and ever so alluring. It all started that day at the onsen, taichou, I would have never imagined this before. I never knew I wanted this. And _after_, I couldn't stop wanting it…

I wanted to break you, violate you and prove to you that I could bring you down to my level. If you thought me unworthy of rising to your status, I was content with having you stoop down to mine. Where men are led by their wants, where there are no rules other than the will to fulfill immediate needs, where there is no other greater goal. Because that's what makes you what you are – you _think_ in life there is something more than what matters _now_. You're wrong! Now is the threshold between _what was_ and _what will be_, between _yesterday_ and _tomorrow_. You can't bypass that! You face the past imagining you will learn from it to make a better future. It's _now_ that matters for the future, but you just don't get it, taichou! See, Kuchiki-sama, I _can_ think, I _can_ have a meaningful conversation. I just don't _care_ for blabbering.

I care for you though… Even though it's not the smartest thing I've ever done. I'm putting myself out here for ya, and it won't make a difference, you'll still want to shred me to ribbons when I have you writhing beneath me. I will tell you about my feelings, that I will, even if it will sound like a joke, because of what I'll be doing to you. But that's the only way I know.

It's weird, taichou, it's fucking twisted that I want to humiliate you and yet it's killing me to even imagine you like this. I wish you could see through me, I wish there was no need for words to see I fucking care for ya, and I want… God! how do I even put this into words? When I see you going to her shrine, taichou, I cry all the tears I _know_ you hold back, I let them all out in your stead, because no one can carry this much suffering alone, no one should be crushed under such weight. I want to be there for ya, Byakuya, I want you to lean on me, because you are_ allowed _to lean on someone, and I wish, I wish it were me! So badly…

But I'm just a lowly stray dog, a man of no importance, someone you wouldn't have noticed, ever. Except I always wanted to be noticed by you, taichou, and this has driven me to be where I am now… So, in the weirdest way, I owe it to you that I have become myself. The fact that you still ignore me only means I have yet much to work on. Maybe I'm tired of waiting, or maybe I've realized I will never be someone _truly _worthy of your attention. Perhaps that's why I'm going down that road, planning your downfall in such a shameful, undignified way. If I can't reach you, I'll drag you down within my reach. But I will have you, either way! It's too twisted to think of it all, to keep wondering, the "why"s are not taking me anywhere. I doubt it will make you respect me, gods, haha! But you will acknowledge me if I break you, I swear you will!


End file.
